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Instead, we try to remain an impartial discussion facilitator, teasing out our patients’ true values and concerns until they are able to come to a conclusion on their own.

On the other hand, their friends probably don’t have the same scruples and are going to be offering them advice.

The culture would tell one of them that they were wrong, just like someone who wants to make the other live in a 10 degree frozen house is wrong, that person would grudgingly agree, they would stay together, and that would be that.

The problem only comes when they’re in a culture with a lot of different subcultures that haven’t made up their minds yet. We all hear the stories of the economists who start by assuming perfect rationality, and then add in deviations from that assumption when they come to them.

Unless we can decide whether wanting to go to a fetish club and have sex with people besides your husband is a reasonable request, we can’t solve Adam and Steve’s disagreement. I’ve had some friends who are very kinky, and wanting to be kinky seems like a reasonable request too.

Another retreat in the other direction: suppose Adam wants to sometimes take a shower, but for some reason the thought of Adam being in a shower pisses Steve off and he refuses to allow it. The one Unit of Caring recently discussed on her blog.

Once again, both of them want to stay together for the sake of the kids, but this can-Adam-take-a-shower thing is really getting in the way. Steve, this time your preferences are stupid and don’t count. A transwoman wants to have Christmas with her family, but her family doesn’t believe in transgender and insists on calling her by her original male name and male pronouns.

I recently did couples therapy with two gay men who’d gotten married a year or so ago.

Since then one of them, let’s call him Adam, decided he was bored with his sex life and went to a club where they did some things I will not describe here.

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